The Worst Lie You Can Tell
January 30, 2019
Years ago, my college Intrapersonal Communications teacher started a class session with this statement:
“You cannot lie to yourself.”
He explained that this is because we eventually believe what we continually tell ourselves. In other words, even though what we’re saying may be a lie, our minds eventually accept and act on it as truth. Essentially, then, we can reprogram our thinking with lies.
What’s more, research actually supports this assertion.
“Humans are masters of self-deception. We fool ourselves into believing things that are false, and we refuse to believe things that are true.” (How Do I Know When I Am Lying to Myself?)
Self-deception also comes up often in literature.
“Above all, don’t lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses respect for himself and for others. And having no respect, he ceases to love.” (The Brothers Karamazov by Dostoyevsky)
“Self lies are the worst lies…” (Richard Bach)
Most significantly for Christians, the struggle with lying to ourselves is also confronted in the Bible.
“Keep my from lying to myself; give me the privilege of knowing your law.” (Psalm 119:29)
Self-deception is the worst type of lie because it reprograms how we think, and the way we think determines the reality of our lives. For this reason, we need to regularly let our minds be renewed.
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans 12:2)
Our culture seems to condone self-deception. The follow-your-feelings, seek-your-own-truth pattern of the world seeks to conform our thinking. It’s telling us that lying is acceptable if it fits with your personal truth.
Refuse to conform to this worldly pattern. Regularly assess your thinking by getting in God’s word and letting it transform you. Know God’s will, so you can regularly cast down any thinking that conflicts with it.
“Jesus said to the people who believed in him, “You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32-32)
Practicing Righteousness
March 6, 2018
What is Righteousness?
Like faithfulness, many people struggle with the concept of righteousness. It’s a very churchy-sounding word, after all, and can seem overwhelming, even impossible. Because it feels impossible, many think “Why bother?”
I sometimes feel the weight of the seeming impossibility of righteousness. Fortunately, the Holy Spirit always brings me back to a right focus.
“Whoever practices righteousness is righteous, as he (Jesus) is righteous.” (1 John 3:7)
Righteousness is a way of living, a way of imitating Jesus based on the divine, moral law given in the Bible. That at its core means we do what God says we should do and live how He wants us to live.
What’s more, practicing righteousness means show I am already considered righteous. This only inflames my inner conflict with righteousness because being righteous, by definition, means I am free from guilt and sin, that I am justified. I don’t feel that way a lot of the time.
Of course, the conflict I express comes when I attempt righteousness all on my own. Not possible. I know this both by my many failures and by what the Bible says of the matter.
Righteousness Exemplified
One activity that helped me better understand righteousness was reading about the first person ever called righteous in the Bible. There’s a good trivia question for you. Know who it is?
“Noah was a righteous man, blameless in his time.” (Genesis 6:9)
Now, we know Noah wasn’t perfect, at least not of his own accord (Genesis 9:20-22). So what made him righteous… blameless?
If you read all of Genesis 6, you get a solid picture of why Noah found favor and why God considered Him righteous. Three reasons stand out that help me understand how to practice my own righteousness.
1. Noah refused to live according to the culture around him.
Noah was willing to stand out and did not succumb to the evil in the world around him. He alone kept God’s standards.
“Then the Lord saw that the wickedness of man was great on the earth, and that every intent of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. The Lord was sorry that He had made man on the earth, and He was grieved in His heart… But Noah found favor in the eyes of the Lord.” (Genesis 6:5-8)
2. Noah had a relationship with God; he spent time with Him.
“Noah walked with God.” (Genesis 6:9)
Like his grandfather Enoch (Genesis 5:21-24), Noah spent time with God. Unlike his grandfather who eventually simply “was not, for God took him,” Noah had more that God wanted him to accomplish on earth.
3. Noah did what God asked him to do, even when doing so went against human logic.
Though it had never rained, God told Noah to build a boat and put animals in it. Noah’s response?
“Noah did according to all that God had commanded him.” (Genesis 6:22)
Noah’s faith in God is obvious by his obedience.
This post is not a comprehensive study of Noah or of righteousness. The point of this post is to instead help each one of us take steps toward increased understanding of what righteousness looks like in a believer’s life.
Practicing Righteousness
To continue on that journey, spend time with God in His Word. Ask Him to help you walk in righteousness. Study the lives of the many other individuals in the Bible described as righteous, and consider doing a word study on righteousness itself.
The following truths will help you get started. Be sure to read through their accompanying Bible references.
- God is completely righteous. (Isaiah 45:21-24)
- We can’t be righteous on our own. (Isaiah 64:6)
- Human nature is the opposite of righteousness. (Romans 3:10-18)
- Righteousness is not attained by works. (Romans 4:18-25)
- Law following does not make us righteous. (Galatians 3:11-21)
- Righteousness protects the core of a person. (Ephesians 6:14)
- Righteousness comes through faith. (Philippians 3:9)
- Grow in righteousness by studying God’s words. (2 Timothy 3:16)
- Righteousness ought to characterize a believer’s life. (1 Peter 2:24)
Think about how these truths played out in Noah’s life and in the lives of others considered righteous. Realize that while we are declared righteousness, living it is not a one and done attainment but a continual way of living that flows out of a relationship with God as faith in Him grows.
In studying righteousness, or God’s faithfulness or any other topic in the Bible, always remember that we are on the road to perfection, to holiness. We journey that road through small steps that add up over time to make a huge difference. Keep taking those steps and following the path God has set before you.
Knowing God, Part 1
October 31, 2017
6 Degrees of Separation
Know anyone famous? Want to know anyone famous? According to the theory “6 degrees of separation”…
“All living things and everything else in the world are six or fewer steps away from each other.”
That means, the famous person you want to meet is only six steps — or degrees — away from you. So, Harrison Ford or John Travolta (or whoever it is you want to meet) are connected through five or less other people. Not sure you buy into the theory?
Consider this…
I met a guy in the grocery store a while back who is friends with Harrison Ford. Had I been able to get the guy’s name and number, you would be connected to Harrison Ford through just two people.
Here’s another example. I worked with a guy years ago who is friends with John Travolta. Had John’s number in his cell phone. So, that means you are connected to John Travolta through just two people.
Don’t take my word for it, though, the theory actually has scientific merit too.
“Assuming everyone knows at least 44 people, and that each of those people knows an entirely new 44 people, and so on, the math shows that in just six steps everyone could be connected to 7.26 billion people — more than are alive on earth today.” (Are We Really All Connected by Just Six Degrees of Separation?)
Experiments have been carried out to give the theory even more credence. Not only that, but the shoot-off game “6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon” provided additional scientific data to strengthen the theory.
Who You Know Matters
Let’s personalize this a bit. When someone wants to find a job today, how valuable is it that they know someone at the company where they’re applying? Almost all of my own work right now exists as the result of knowing someone, not of me actively seeking the work. Even in the Bible we see that who you know matters. Consider Moses and Daniel as examples of this.
Who we know matters. It matters to us in a variety of ways from personal and professional to satisfying a need within us to connect with people who make us feel important.
A Need to Be Known
All people have a need to know and value themselves and to be important to others. Psychologists call this the Relational Value/Social Influence need. Being known is important to us because of how it connects with our individual experiences, private thoughts and public image. This knowing has a tremendous impact on our character structure and well being.
Timothy Keller in The Meaning of Marriage makes a poignant statement about the power of this need.
“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is… a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”
This statement is even more profound when we remember that Scripture uses marriage as a metaphor for Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:22-32). Those of us in Christian marriages understand the value of that relationship for better understanding how our relationship with Christ is to exist.
Yet, no matter how good our marriages or any other relationships are, we never have 100% knowledge in them. We aren’t fully known, and we don’t fully know others. The fact is that any knowing outside of God never fully satisfies.
Everyone desires to know and be known because God created us for relationship. More specifically, he created us for relationship with Him.
“The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.” (Romans 8:16)
And as our creator, only he can know us fully. In fact, he knows us better than we know ourselves.
God Knows Us Intimately
“To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom.” (Attributed to Socrates)
As Christians, we believe that “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” (Proverbs 9:10). However, we can still agree that knowing yourself does bring a depth of wisdom essential for living life in a successful way.
Psychologists say that knowing yourself brings the following benefits:
- Happiness.
- Less inner conflict.
- Better decision making.
- Self control.
- Resistance to social pressure.
- Tolerance and understanding of others.
- Vitality and pleasure.
Yet, we can’t even know all there is to know about ourselves. The Johari Window illustrates this truth well.
Only God can truly know all there is to know about each one of us. And He can do this because, well, He did create us after all.
“For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance. And in Your book were written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them.” (Psalm 139:13-16)
God created us. He knew us before we had physical form and even orchestrated the days of our lives before one of them began. He knows us intimately. It stands to reason, then, that the best way to knowing ourselves better is to know God better.
Next week we’ll explore exactly how we can know God.
Depression During the Winter Months
December 6, 2016
The Pain of Change
Depression used to be my standard operating system. It existed like an evil best friend I knew was bad for me but who also held together my destructive comfort zone. Strange how we’ll stay in poor habits just because they’re comfortable, isn’t it?
Gradually, I divorced this evil friend and found freedom from depression. I’ve lived outside of the pit for many years now. Yet, I still find myself occasionally gazing back into its miry depths. More than other times of the year, battling depression during the winter months is especially difficult.
Why Depression Intensifies in Winter
Part of the reason for this occasional visit seems to be that depression impacts so many people. It’s simply impossible to avoid altogether.
Another part of the reason is that many of the elements leading to depression seem to converge and intensify during the winter months. Here are just a few that make depression in the winter months intensify.
Then there’s the uniqueness of the holidays. They take us out of our normal routines. They present us with seemingly endless sweet and savory opportunities. We essentially let our guards down, and that’s all the opening depression needs to gain a foothold once again.
Refuse to Let Depression Win
The sooner you can reestablish that guard, the less damage depression can do during the winter months. In fact, you can actually more than just get through them — you can enjoy and celebrate them.
But this is so difficult to do all on your own. I know I simply cannot remain victorious over depression without help from others. A lot of others.
On Struggle to Victory, you’ll find a great deal written about depression. As hard as I’ve tried, I cannot separate myself from it because it played such a large role in shaping the person I am today. My prayer is that my experiences can help you or someone you love find victory too.
You can click on the Depression category along the right side of any page and find many posts related to overcoming depression. Also, I’ve listed several below that you may find especially helpful with depression during the winter months.
- Defeating the Winter Blues
- Staying Out of the Pit
- Depression vs Anxiety
- God is a God of Second Chances
Refuse to give up the fight. Refuse to let depression win. The best tip I can give in that effort is to simply not quit. Persevere. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. I pray that the resources I offer here can help you or someone you love continue doing just that, especially when depression during the winter months seems inescapable.
Struggle to Victory with Technology
May 1, 2014
A Love/Hate Relationship
I’m addicted to technology. I waste time with it, and I’m easily distracted by it. Sometimes, I actually use it to keep from having to acknowledge and interact with others. I hate that it’s so natural for my kids, even part of the way they think and view life and can’t imagine life without it. And I especially hate how it interrupts and prevents face-to-face conversations.
At the same time, technology gives me a place and audience for writing that I would not otherwise have. It allows for friendships, encouragement, knowledge and support that would not otherwise happen because of geography. It provides ease of research and in fact helped me tremendously in my journey to healing.
Then, there’s GPS… as much a necessity as gas in my car. Technology helps my husband and I connect when he travels since his trips allow for little free time even for phone calls. And, technology provides a way to connect with my boys that fits how they think and operate.
Some days I want to quit technology. Usually, though, those are the days it’s not working right or as I think it should work. But then I remember the days of waiting for my dial-up connection and having the phone unavailable while on the Internet, and I realize how far technology has come in such a short period of time.
I truly hate technology when I’m talking to a friend and she stops mid-conversation to answer a text. After the frustration subsides, I realize the problem is my friend’s inability to focus on what’s in front of her more than it is about the technology.
Technology exists as a necessity in my life that I love for so many reasons and that I hate for as many reasons. With that, I am conflicted over how I want technology to live and breathe as I live and breathe.
Finding Balance with Technology
How we used technology 10 years ago differs greatly from how we use it today. As those developing technology continue showing us what we didn’t know we needed and wanted, how we use technology will continue evolving. The ever-changing nature of technology is a fixed reality.
The ever-changing nature of technology also adds frustration through the impossibility of keeping up with the flow of information as well as with the latest and greatest. With this comes a choice of either continually struggling to keep up or finding balance, something that exists as uniquely as our fingerprints.
My own journey to find balance in my use of technology involves considering…
- Is technology my tool or am I its slave?
- Do I always assume new technology is always better?
- Do I consider that my kids watch and imitate how I use technology?
- Do I understand the relevance of technology not just in my life but in the future for my kids?
- Can I find a healthy balance and/or rhythm by controlling my habits?
- Are there boundaries in place in my life where technology is concerned or is it an uncontrolled addiction?
- Does technology exist as a distraction and a way to avoid being uncomfortable?
- What does God think about how we should live with and use technology?
These are the dominate thoughts on my mind as I consider how technology currently exists and how I want it to exist in my life. And these thoughts provide the basis for getting into the details of technology over the next month.
DISCUSSION: What struggles and victories do you have or see with technology?
3 Ways to Reduce Busyness & Discover Simplicity
December 12, 2013
Too busy?
Recently, I overheard a friend say, “I am done with holidays.” She explained that holidays were just too stressful and gave her too much to do along with having to deal with the drama that often accompanies family gatherings.
Since I know this person well, I also know that these words really characterize her whole life. She always has too much to do, and she’s always stressed. Which basically means that the holiday (Thanksgiving in this case) undeservedly received the blame for her stress.
Why are you so busy?
Our culture is one of busyness, and I truly feel burdened for those I know and love who are simply too busy. This burden comes from living in that reality, being broken by it, and rebuilding a simple life without the weight of busyness. In other words, I’ve been there and know the way out. More importantly, I know that there IS a way out.
Much of this busyness comes from the seasons of life. Kids need attention, loved ones are sick, work is overloaded and ministry calls. This busyness, to a large extent, is simply the inevitable busyness of life itself.
But busyness reaches toxic levels when we, by deliberate choice, choose to do more than we are capable of doing. These are the things we say “yes” to because we “should” or because “someone has to do it.” They are the things born out of perfectionism and long-standing habits. This toxic level reaches epic proportions when we pile on “things to do” as a way to avoid doing the hard work of creating a balanced life focused on true priorities. Instead, we get lost in the multitude of activities, obligations and commitments.
When we’re too busy, we don’t have time for deepening relationships. We don’t have time to work through issues that created rifts. We don’t have time to read that which would deepen our character. We don’t have time to get the rest we need. We don’t have time to make healthy choices. And, worst of all, we don’t have time to spend one-on-one with God.
But my friend who said, “I am done with holidays” actually got at a very important point. Busyness and overload seem amplified during the holidays. We may casually notice at other times, but busyness suddenly jumps out as out of control during the holidays. The time between Thanksgiving and New Years seems to magnify the need to slow down and enjoy friends and family. It emphasizes the crucial need to worship God made flesh, which has a way of making us realize our desperate need for a simpler life.
Trapped in busyness?
Many people feel trapped in busyness. They realize that busyness creates an inner conflict that seems impossible to reconcile. This becomes amplified during the holidays and is really why my friend meant when she said, “I am done with holidays.” With that in mind, let’s explore three ways to reduce busyness and discover simplicity no matter the time of year.
Reduce Busyness and Discover Simplicity
1.) Make small changes. Small changes done consistently over time add up to make a huge difference. Becoming instantly un-busy won’t happen, but making small adjustments will slowly reduce busyness. Taking your time with this process rather than trying to “quit cold turkey” increases its staying power.
2.) Accept the painful truth. You will have to say “no” to some good things. You will have to let things you really want to do go in order to do the things that are truly important.
3.) Commit busyness to prayer. Ask God to show you how to become less busy. Ask Him to show you how to simplify. And most importantly, ask Him to change your heart towards busyness and to help you realize that obedience to Him does not mean saying “yes” to every opportunity that passes through your awareness.
Transforming a busy life is really hard. It requires brokenness. It requires letting go of attachment to accomplishments. It means admitting that under our own strength, we try to do too much. And it means admitting that without some help and without deliberate choice, we will continue feeling the increasing weight of busyness.
Sunday Reflections – Understanding & Improving Our Communication
October 31, 2012
You cannot NOT communicate. You are always communicating something. I heard this in a college class almost 20 years ago, and it stuck with me. Unfortunately, most of us make too many assumptions and spend way too much time following those assumptions about others’ communication. We too often fail to pay enough attention, or any at all, to our own communication abilities.
Realizing this, you can deliberately choose to improve your communication skills. To start, consider these 7 Essential Elements of Communication to be aware of as we seek to improve our ability to communicate.
- We judge ourselves by our intentions. We can’t really know for sure the intentions of others. But when we’re honest with ourselves and with a lot of help from the Word of God (Hebrews 4:12), we can better know our own intentions.
- We judge others by their actions. Since we can’t truly know another’s intentions, we usually base decisions about others on their actions. Maybe this is one reason showing faith by actions (James 2:18) is so crucial.
- People want validation & acceptance. We just want to be accepted and understood. This does not necessarily mean agreement with another’s opinions or actions, but it does mean a willingness to try to understand their perspective. Fortunately, when we fall short in this, God fills the gaps (John 6:37).
- Broad shoulders are invaluable. Having broad shoulders means not being offended easily and forgiving freely. Do You Have Broad Shoulders? Developing them improves your ability to communicate by removing the barriers of unforgiveness and misinformation.
- The Golden Rule is a terrific communication tool (Luke 6:31). Simply treating others how you want to be treated will improve communications in your relationships significantly.
- Seeking first to understand makes a huge difference. Before insisting on being understood, seek to understand others. Doing so not only improves communication, but it keeps you from looking foolish (Proverbs 18:2, 13).
- You can only change yourself. Replace old, ineffective habits with new habits that build relationships (Ephesians 4:22-24). Let your mind be renewed continually (Romans 12:1-2). Develop and grow the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23).
A look at improving our communication skills is lacking to some extent if we fail to focus at least a little on how we handle conflict. Conflict is not only necessary, but it is also unavoidable. Fortunately, conflict can actually strengthen instead of tear relationships apart if we employ point #7 above by specifically looking at our own part in any conflict (Romans 12:18). Do this using these 7 Questions to Ask During a Conflict.
- Am I jumping to conclusions?
- Am I being insensitive or too sensitive?
- Am I being selfish?
- Am I doing God’s job?
- Am I trying to control others?
- Am I communicating clearly?
- Could I be the one who is wrong?
Relationships are a top priority for God (Matthew 22:37-39), and fulfilling His command to love others requires good communication skills. What can you do this week to improve your ability to communicate with others?
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