Why is listening such a struggle?
Listening doesn’t come easily for most people. We often struggle shutting down the voices in our heads or ignoring the distractions around us. Listening is a struggle for me when:
- I’m judging what a person is saying.
- I’ve already come up with a solution.
- I’m relating everything to myself.
- I’m impatient.
- I’m afraid of the silence that might happen if I wait to formulate a response.
- I’ve got a “one-up” story I just have to tell.
- I want to impress others and show my intelligence.
- I have to be right.
- I’m uncomfortable with what others are saying.
- I’m tired or hungry or both and just can’t focus.
Getting outside of what’s going on in our lives and truly focusing on others is a struggle that I think most people, perhaps everyone, has.
Seeing Value Is the Key
Christ gives tremendous value to every person, and listening is one way I can embrace that value (Psalm 139:13-16). Even if someone is talking a lot about nothing, they may be expressing unfulfilled needs for love and acceptance. They just want to know that what they think and feel matters.
Listening seems counter-cultural in a society that touts instant gratification, speaking up for yourself, and standing up for your needs, wants, and desires. Yet, Jesus’ life exemplifies living counter-culturally and that the way of the Father is often not the way of culture. We must choose the narrow way (Matthew 7:13).
Perhaps if we truly understand that No Man is An Island, we can better practice the tenants of scripture that exhort the importance of truly hearing what others are saying. In other words, as we find ways to learn and grow as individuals, the body as a whole becomes stronger.
As we move from just knowing that listening is important to God to living His instructions for listening (James 1:19) in our attitudes, actions, and words, we further develop the deep roots and cohesiveness that Christ prayed for His body to have (John 17:20-26). At the same time, we express value to an individual and show them in a tangible way that they matter.
@Vaderalman
I work hard at listening. At some point along the way I realizeded how much more I learned than others because I was simply doing a better job listening than they and that made me want to be better at it.
I value listening highly. Paul Tillich said “The first duty of love is to listen”. Listening shows great respect and it shows interest in the person. People like that a person listens to them and shows interest in them regardless what is being discussed. Sometimes that does not matter as much as the act of showing the respect for whomever you are in conversation with.
A pitfall is when you are listening “with the intent to reply” rather that “with the intent to understand”. In the first case you are working on your reply even as they talk. People recognize if you are fully engaged with them or not. Your reply sometimes tells them you are not. Like you indicate, another pitfall I have is I judge what a person is saying based on my opinion of the person making the comment. I lose out on the opportunity to learn something good if I discount what someone is saying because I do not like them.
I so believe we show love by working hard at listening and we should especially do that with our family. Sometimes a person just wants you to understand what they are saying. They are not seeking a solution from you or even a comment. Be careful not to give either if it is not wanted.
Being a good listener can be a powerful relationship builder.
Kari Scare
Terrific addition to add depth to why listening is so important. While all of what you said was good to hear, what really stood out to me is the idea of working hard to become a good listener. It is a skill we can learn and improve. Also, the idea of showing love by listening is huge. You're right in that being a good listener is a huge relationship builder, and I would take it a step further and say it's an essential part of building solid relationships.
@Vaderalman
I would definitely agree it is essential.
Mary McCauley
WOW! this is such a difficult area for me too. Thanks for the insight. I really like the thought about listening as a way to show love. I tend to interrupt my husband and so discourage his sharing. Thinking I already know what he is going to share and have an answer for him. I need to ask God to help me become a better listener…to him and HIM!
Kari Scare
Once I made a commitment to truly change in this area, the Holy Spirit has been right beside me encouraging and reminding me to be a better listener. This is happening with my kids and my spouse, and I'm looking forward to it happening more in other relationships. Amazing how He does that once we truly realize we need to change and then fully submit to Him in that process.
@Vaderalman
I have realized that I have hurt people by not being a good listener. It is usually pretty obvious when I have been caught not doing this well and I should be caught if I am not doing it well because I do want to love people by giving them undivided attention. I don't wont to be like the 5 second Klondike husband. 🙂
Undivided anything takes work.
Kari Scare
The moment that has hit me the most is when I talk to my kids about not listening and paying attention to me and then I do the same with them. Very humbling.
Loren Pinilis
I'd like to think I'm a pretty good listener, but perhaps I'm overestimating my own competence there. I know the toughest part for me has been not only listening to the words people are saying, but what's going on in the background of their hearts and minds.
Kari Scare
Learning to listen between the lines certainly is another aspect of our listening skills that we need to pay attention to and develop. Body language is a huge part of this, I think.
@Vaderalman
I agree Loren and it makes the point that face to face conversation is so important and meaning can be lost in the written word or over the phone line.
Barb
I usually really enjoy people so I don't have a hard time listening – unless they talk non-stop (because then I get bored) or unless I have something else on my mind – some problem that I haven't worked through. So my best defense against being a poor listener is to work through all my problems with God as soon as they come up. That way I'm living in peace and it's easier to focus on others and be a good listener!
Kari Scare
Your "best defense" is a perfect example of what I meant by "Do what I can to free my mind to listen to others." The more often we take things to Jesus and work through them with Him, the more present we can be for our relationships with others. Great example!